My Thoughts Are Dark Tonight

I have been told before
by more than one girl I have loved
that I like to paint a picture
of myself as a victim should it end,
but I wish that they could understand me
for I feel no pleasure in my pain
and my reactions are genuine emotion
of a refusal to let go of what had been.
Never think that I’m looking for your pity
or the sympathy of third party folk,
I find happiness in love because it fills me,
so the emptiness combats me with a shock.
As I sit and look at pictures of my past loves,
and I think about the ways that I have felt,
I simply want to rip apart my scarred unloved skin,
and hideaway and turn myself inside out.
My thoughts are dark tonight and I can’t help it,
I feel uglier each moment spent alone.
Now that it’s been more than a year and a half,
how the fuck can I feel happy on my own?
It is clear to me that I must be repulsive,
the only reason I can think of is I’m overweight,
yet I’ve seemed to be my own worst enemy for years
when it comes to losing weight and getting thin.
If I do that then I will become attractive
and once I am perhaps then I will deserve love,
this train of thought is all I think about each day,
if you could read my mind you’d see the words above.
I hope that I can fight my cravings, eat well, and lose weight
so that one day I might be set out for love,
but if I don’t get to that point sometime soon
I am afraid of what my very mind might do.
My thoughts are dark tonight and I can’t help it,
I feel uglier each moment spent alone.
One hundred people catch my eye on a daily basis,
but no one’s looking back so I am forced to lie here on my own;
my biggest fear is one day soon that I will die here all alone.