My Thoughts Are Dark Tonight

I have been told before
by more than one girl I have loved
that I like to paint a picture
of myself as a victim should it end,
but I wish that they could understand me
for I feel no pleasure in my pain
and my reactions are genuine emotion
of a refusal to let go of what had been.
Never think that I’m looking for your pity
or the sympathy of third party folk,
I find happiness in love because it fills me,
so the emptiness combats me with a shock.
As I sit and look at pictures of my past loves,
and I think about the ways that I have felt,
I simply want to rip apart my scarred unloved skin,
and hideaway and turn myself inside out.
My thoughts are dark tonight and I can’t help it,
I feel uglier each moment spent alone.
Now that it’s been more than a year and a half,
how the fuck can I feel happy on my own?
It is clear to me that I must be repulsive,
the only reason I can think of is I’m overweight,
yet I’ve seemed to be my own worst enemy for years
when it comes to losing weight and getting thin.
If I do that then I will become attractive
and once I am perhaps then I will deserve love,
this train of thought is all I think about each day,
if you could read my mind you’d see the words above.
I hope that I can fight my cravings, eat well, and lose weight
so that one day I might be set out for love,
but if I don’t get to that point sometime soon
I am afraid of what my very mind might do.
My thoughts are dark tonight and I can’t help it,
I feel uglier each moment spent alone.
One hundred people catch my eye on a daily basis,
but no one’s looking back so I am forced to lie here on my own;
my biggest fear is one day soon that I will die here all alone.


3 thoughts on “My Thoughts Are Dark Tonight

  1. It’s alright to talk about our insecurities and fears that haunt us every now and then. It’s alright to be in the embrace of darkness as long as you are able to find your inner light. For its only in the grip of darkness when a star shines in its prime splendor. I had a similar fear of being alone and unwanted; but my friend, in this universe don’t consider yourself as a lost star, for you are a universe blossoming within a star. Thanks for sharing such an intense and emotional post! According to your convenience please do read some of my writings would love to know what you think about them. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thanks for the kind words Sidharth. In a way, writing is the inner light that you mentioned, as I look inward for inspiration when my world seems dark. I would be happy to read some of your writing, and thank you for reading mine!

      Liked by 1 person

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