Everyone in your life
could see a change in you
when we were dating;
your coworkers would pick on you
in a loving sort of way,
since you were often blushing
and always had a smile on your face.
What made you decide that
you weren’t deserving of that smile?
We had plans to spend a lifetime together,
with so many fun plans to fill the time
between now and forever.
We both have high libidos
and I gave you a key to my house
and told you to let yourself in
any morning before work
and wake me up in the best of ways…
even if it was just pleasure for you, unreciprocated,
I loved you and would have been happy to
take you to heaven first thing in the morning.
What happened to our trip to Moxie Falls
or the Hobbit Land that you wanted me to see?
Or our trip to Acadia and then one to Cape Cod?
What happened to playing racquetball together
at the gym, even if we were both bad at it?
Or visiting the free museum right near your home?
What happened to you beating me in Mario Kart
and letting me teach you how to shoot my longbow?
Or taking your kayaks out for a ride together?
What happened to going back to Hallowell
and trying out that restaurant that we almost went to?
Or were you lying when you said,
“Getting lost with you is my favorite thing to do”?
I have never been able to stand hypotheticals
because they’re just lies presented in a fun way.
I am a doer, and would have loved to do it all with you.
What happened to the red dress and small atypical wedding
that you loved talking about having with me?
Or the middle names that you
went out of your way to text me
for the daughter named Lilly that I’ve always wanted?
I will have Lilly one day, and other children,
and for a time I thought that you would be their mother
and that I would help you live out your dream
of being a stay-at-home mother like you’ve always wanted…
I would have supported you
and your every goal and dream.
You are a lovelier person
than the life that you choose to live would suggest
and I would have loved to do it all with you,
but to you the concept of happiness
is in and of itself just hypothetical
much like all of the plans that you make are.
Keep your daydreams, beautiful bird,
and please kindly fly your way out of my nightmares.
Everyone in your life